Well the holidays were great. This is the first year I really let go and just enjoyed myself. I did not cry on Christmas eve or morning. The first time in 5 years. I did not know if its because I let go or because I have my new nephew. But then I realized it has been my faith in Jesus. Its really changed my life for the better. I'm not saying its always easy now...(I will get to that in a bit) but I think that God has granted me peace at times and the Holidays were one of those times.
In January Josh and I went on an amazing vacation with his family. His parents gift to the 3 boys and there significant others was a trip to and all inclusive resort in Playa del Carmen Mexico. We all really had a great time. It was nice to become closer to his family. We do a lot with my side of the family. In fact this was the first family vacation that I have gone on with his family in the 11 years that we have been together. We really enjoyed ourselves. We decided that when we got back we were going to schedule our IVF consult. WE ARE READY FOR THIS.
So I scheduled my IVF consult and the first appointment avail was 2/27/12. This was a full month from the time I was calling to schedule it. I figure we waited the last 5 1/2 years whats another month and took the appointment. Well... I got a call the last Saturday saying they needed to reschedule my Monday appointment because the Dr. had some emergency retrievals on that day. So we have to wait another two weeks. Oh well in the grand scheme whats another 2 weeks:)
Okay, so getting to the posts title...I feel like I have been in a bad dream at work. So... from the time I came back to work from my vacation I have had really bad headaches and shoulder pain. I could not figure out why this was happening all of a sudden. Then it hit last Friday. It was after the 9th person, a close friend at work broke the news to me. She is pregnant! I was completely surprised and of course I was happy for her. Then she told me she was 21 weeks! I get dressed next to this woman everyday how did I not know.
But in any case I am always excited about someone who is blessed with a new little miracle but at the same time when she said I have to tell you something the first thing that came to my mind is... "please don't say it please don't say it....I dont want to brust out in tears... I dont want to seem fake when I have to day I am happy... I dont want to freak out."
This time though I was really surprised so I think I did Okay. But then the heartache sat in. I went into my office and closed the door. I just let it all out. WHY, Why is this happening to me? 9 people are pregnant. Most are on their 2nd or 3rd baby since I started working there 4 /12 years ago. Of course I know not all have had it easy either with miscarriages and fertility treatments themselves. But I couldn't help it. I was pushed over the edge. "EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT YOU!" kept playing in my head. My neck and head were pounding. I felt like I have been feeling the last month. How am I going to get up and go walking into my worst nightmare each day for the the next 9 months or so. Even after its going to be all about funny/cute baby pics and videos on their phones, first Christmas's and more birthdays I have to hear about. I know its selfish and not it not in my normal character to be this way, but I am broken. It feels to me like a cruel joke. Physically it killing me. What am I going to do. Like today I called out because my head was killing me and so was my heart. I cant face these women everyday. Knowing they are being blessed with something I have wanted all my life and I cant just have.
So I have turned to prayer. I know this is all happening for a reason. The lord has a path for me. When things finally happen in whatever the way that will. I know I will see that this was all for the best. Through all the tears and all the pain it will all be worth it. My heart is heavy today but one day I will be walking on air.
I just need to figure out how to get through this next part. I cant call out everyday for the next year because I cant stand to look at all those pregnant bellies. I just ask God to please help me through this. I have to be strong. I have to just push on. Uggg. This is going to be hard. I need prayers.
So this is the first time I really said this. My true pain. Not just headaches and neck pain but its the pain in my heart that has been keeping me from work. I think this is the first time I have really admitted it to myself. I always try to joke or make light of it all but its really been a dark time for me. I just got to keep pushing along. Putting my faith in the Lord and knowing he has a plan. I am looking forward to IVF and taking the next steps toward our little miracle.
~Mandy
